The worst dating profile ever
I once had a male client who reached out to me because he was unhappy in his marriage. Let’s call him Peter.
Well, to be more accurate about it, Peter’s wife asked him to reach out to me because she was unhappy in their marriage.
The gist was a common one: the wife was upset that her husband was emotionally withdrawn, and the husband didn’t feel at all appreciated.
She complained that she couldn’t feel him, and he complained that she gave more love to the kids and the dog than she did to him.
In one of our first sessions I asked Peter what were three requests he could make of his wife that would make him feel more appreciated and loved.
“She could keep a cleaner house. She could be a more critical thinker. She could admit when she’s wrong and I’m right,” Peter counted off.
“Hmm. Got it,” I took in what he said.
“I’m curious,” I began, “can you imagine going on a dating app and seeing someone’s profile that says: I’m looking for a critical thinker who keeps a clean house and can tell me when I’m right.”
He was only slightly amused, but agreed he could not.
“To me,” I said, “that sounds more like a job posting than a dating profile. Which tells me that what you’re looking for is better performed by a good employee than by a wife.”
The problem, I explained to him, was that his requests had very little to do with establishing closeness. They were tasks she could do to satisfy him, not an invitation for intimacy.
“The reason,” I told Peter, “that your kids and dog get more love from your wife than you do is because they express needs that invite her to give them love.”
Closeness comes from authenticity, and authenticity involves vulnerability, and vulnerability includes expressing needs.
Peter was (for a whole slew of reasons) accustomed to ignoring his needs. So we worked on his three requests, and he changed them to:
Hold my hand or snuggle when we watch tv
Look me in the eyes when we talk
Kiss me when I come home from work
See how those are different than the first set? And more vulnerable?
Now look—it isn’t always the case that the person in a relationship who isn’t feeling loved and appreciated is in that position because they’re not expressing relational needs.
But it IS often true that grown, intelligent, loving people really have very little clue about how to create intimacy with their partner. Trust me. I see it all the time.
Sometimes it’s because people have been trained to play a role in their romantic relationship—provider, “good” husband/wife, or (sometimes unknowingly) even good employee.
Sometimes it’s because they’ve seen defensiveness, criticism, withdrawal or even contempt modeled in relationships, and they’ve fallen into it, too.
Sometimes the lack of intimacy is from a lack of skill, sometimes it’s from a lack of desire.
Which is to say, understanding (or misunderstanding) intimacy is a BIG topic that I will revisit in other pieces, but for now I want to bring it back to two actionable skills when it comes to increasing intimacy:
Instead of complaining when you feel disconnected, unappreciated or unloved, make a request.
Make sure that your request is an invitation to closeness and not a task the other person can do to satisfy you.
You’ll know you’ve hit on it if it feels vulnerable to ask for, and if receiving it would feel like a balm for your heart.
If you want to learn more about creating intimacy, check out my signature program, YOURS TRULY.