I Notice I Want to Lower My Standards

“You’re really going all in on this, aren’t you?” my sweetie said with an amused smile. Not that he was surprised. He’s been around long enough to know that when I get into a new project I’m like a dog with a bone. 

What’s the new project? My closet. To be more specific, my wardrobe.

A couple of weeks ago, in a moment of simultaneously feeling that I had too many clothes and not enough clothes, I began fantasizing about giving everything away and starting from scratch with my wardrobe.

I called my dear friend who I knew was going through Dacy Gillepsie’s Mindful Closet program, and we dove into our first world closet problems with gusto. I happily accepted her challenge inspired by Gillepsie’s work: take everything out of my closet and only put back the pieces I absolutely love. 

The freedom of it! The permission! This is exactly what I wanted!

After spending a couple of hours in my closet on a perfectly gorgeous afternoon, I texted my friend:

I’m having a hard time claiming what I LOVE. I notice I want to lower my standards—this is good enough. 

I have a hard time with how much I’d have to get rid of if I really only kept things that make me super excited. But then again, if I go with just what’s good enough I don’t really need anything else. So basically I’m in my head!! 

Here is just one of a million reasons I love my friend so much. This is what she texted back:

I Notice I Want to Lower My Standards should be the name of my memoir!

What would happen if you put the clear LOVE items in your closet/drawers for one week? As a game. 

Here’s the thing. I was spending my Saturday afternoon in my closet because I could no longer ignore that my clothes don’t feel like me. In the last few years I’ve changed so much as a woman, a partner, a friend, a business owner, a daughter, a person alone with myself, and I don’t feel like my clothes fit and reflect who I am now. 

More succinctly: I’ve done so much work on NOT lowering my standards in my relationships and work, that I didn’t want to continue to do it with my clothes.

Reading my friend’s texts while standing in the middle of a heap of clothes that I was trying to convince myself were good enough, I felt just how many of us—particularly women—could name our memoir I Notice I Want to Lower My Standards.

And. That. Pissed. Me. Off. 

It also reminded me of my mission: To help people to learn how to get a whole, nourishing meal in their relationships and to stop subsisting on crumbs.

Pause there for a moment. Feel that. No more crumbs. Only meals. THAT. 

To me, it’s the same feeling as a closet filled with only things I love. It’s about not having standards lowered.

And folks, for as good and alluring as it sounds, it doesn’t mean we know how to get there. 

When I first start working with a client, one of the most common fears that comes up is what if I change and the people I love don’t? And all the thousands of heartbreaks and frustrations that go along with playing that thought out.

Which is why I haven’t given away any clothes yet. I’m hanging out with my pruned closet, researching what I like and making Pinterest boards. 

I’m ordering clothes to try on and practicing actually feeling into whether I truly feel good in a piece instead of getting hooked in to the shininess of it being new, only to regret keeping it when I realize it doesn’t really fit or I don’t really feel good in it. 

I’m sitting with all the stuff my head says about being spoiled for wanting to love my clothes, being wasteful for not wearing things until they fall apart, and being precious for thinking clothes matter this much.

Which is to say, this business of raising your standards can happen in an instant in your mind, but it takes time to become the person who can live it. 

It takes a step by step, nitty gritty, research-based and experiential approach to figuring it out in a felt, embodied way. It takes having someone lovingly call you out when you’re stuck in the old way of doing things or in your head, and offering you the next action item to play with, like a game. It takes being around other people who are also bravely leaving behind lower standards.

Every single one of those reasons is why I created Yours Truly.

Because raising your standards should also feel good, not fraught. Fraughtness is a function of low standards.

So this is a little love note to all of you out there who are endeavoring to raise your standards, whether in work, relationships, clothes, food, parenting, exercise. You deserve it. You’ve got this. You’ll get there.

Want some help raising your relational standards? Sign up today for Yours Truly.