Something Has to Give

Earlier this year I took an unplanned seven month hiatus from sending newsletters to my email list.

In years past when I would fall behind on keeping in touch with the folks who had trusted me with their email address, I would invariably reach back out with some form of a tail between my legs message. 

But this year, when I sent my first newsletter after seven months, I used it as a moment of recognition that sometimes something has to give. 

In the first half of 2021 it was the newsletters that had to give as I gave my attention to clients, to developing and filming a new course on practices for regulating your nervous system, to a beloved dying cat, to my partner and friends and family, and sometimes even to just sitting and reading a good book.

I know I’m not the only one.

I’ve seen it in my girlfriend who is a truly loving, present momma of two kids under three. Turns out her house has become less impeccably clean and more disastrously disheveled. 

I’ve seen it in my client who is passionately devoted to her morning exercise routine. Yet, when she and her family recently moved to another state, she didn’t exercise for the few weeks leading up to and following the move.

In fact, I’ve seen it in nearly every client in the last year and a half as they learn to navigate ALL THE THINGS at work and in their relationships.

Sometimes something has to give.

If there’s one message I’ve been touting for years it’s that we’re human. And the more we can remember that we’re human, the more grace and skill we can bring to our emotions, our insecurities, our blindspots. 

And our limitations.

Which is to say, we are not super heroes. Any thought that you can do all of the things all of the time is misguided and tinged with a slight childish narcissism—the kind that lets you believe that you have more control over the world than you do.

Which can be maddening if you let it, and also a big fat relief if you let it. You can’t do it all. No one can. (Insert deep breath here.)

The line I’ve been practicing a lot in the previous months is “Yes, but not now.” 

As in, “Yes, I am happy to do that, but how about next week?”

Or “Yes, I’d love to, but I won’t be able to until next year.”

It creates space. It lets my nervous system stay out of high rev. It makes me better for the things and people I really want to be present for.

It’s funny how frequently I still forget it’s a possible answer.

But it’s also shocking how the “yes, but not now” practice has helped me to go one step further to “no, and not ever” when that really is the truer answer. (Though I do say it in a kinder way than no, and not ever!)

So I bequeath the words “yes, but not now” to you. Try them out.

And in case you need it, I absolve you of letting something give.

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