Taking Your Kid to Work

A few weeks ago I started a beta version of my new group coaching program called Yours, Truly.

Right before the first live coaching session, I felt excited anticipation in equal measure with panicked fear—not unlike a five-year-old going off to school for the first time. In fact, that’s exactly what my insides felt like.

Sometimes I forget there is a five-year-old version of me who is always there on the inside, no matter what I’m doing. She is shy, doesn’t like groups and very much wants people to like her. But if she feels assured and safe, she’s playful and creative and loves learning new things.

When I can remember that this five-year-old version of me is there when I’m doing something new and scary at work, I imagine telling her that she can just hang out on the floor behind me and play with her toys while adult me does the grown up thing. I tell her that if it gets hard or scary I will check in with her after the session to see how she’s doing.

When I don’t remember to do that, I feel sped up inside, vigilant, vulnerable. I brace for being hurt and just hope the hard thing will be over soon.

The second module in Yours, Truly includes getting to know this young version in each of us called the Wounded Child. 

The Wounded Child forms between the age of two and five, and it’s the part of us who actively experienced pain or discomfort in those years. 

Maybe it was the pain of feeling scared or alone, or the discomfort of feeling unseen or misunderstood. Whatever the flavor of pain, it will linger with us through our whole life, and if we let this younger version of us call the shots, it will try to keep us away from any situation that might bring back that pain.

The Wounded Child doesn’t ever go away, but it does become integrated when, as adults, we learn to attend to this young part and give it what it most wanted in those early years—love, safety, attention, belonging, mattering.

When I shared this with the group on the coaching call, I told them how my Wounded Child is decidedly NOT a fan of my job. She would prefer I not talk about feelings because it might make someone uncomfortable. She’s scared if I challenge someone in a therapeutic way they’ll get mad at me and go away. She thinks being with just one client is bad enough, why would I ever make it a whole group?

So here’s the big idea: your Wounded Child will not necessarily be on board with your job, or aspects of your job. This young part of you who experienced pain will be wary of the aspects of your job that might recreate that pain. Things like interpersonal dynamics, big presentations, deadlines, performance reviews, managing others, being managed, etc.

All of that doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong job. There is probably no job that the little kid in you would skip off with you to everyday as if it were an amusement park.

But it does mean that you have to remember this kid is there, and you have to attend to this kid.

What does that look like? Well, what would you say to a five year old who is off to their first day of school? Or who came home from school and was bullied? Or lost their lunch? Or felt embarrassed trying to read in front of the class?

“I know it’s scary. I’m here for you no matter what.” “I’m so sorry that happened, let me give you a hug.” “Oh, honey, that must have hurt.”

So the next time you’re panicky before a big day or a big meeting, or the next time you’re wanting to hide from a difficult team dynamic, or the next time you feel stung by some professional feedback, don’t see it as a big failure or a sign that you’re not in the right job. 

Instead, see it as information. “Hey, my kid needs some attention!” And then offer them some kind attention. 

When you can do that, you’ll get the best of both worlds. You’ll get to be the on-purpose adult in your job, and you’ll also bring with you the gifts your kid has to offer, be it creativity, playfulness, kindness, boldness, or lack of cynicism. 

Here’s your challenge: from here forward, every day is bring your child to work day. And that doesn’t mean you put them to work! It means you let them wonder at all the big people stuff, and then you get them a snack and let them color while you do the big people work.

Don’t know where to start with taking care of your inner kid? I’ll teach you all about it in my signature online program, Yours Truly.